Congrats to Prez, where's my ex, and more...

We watched the inauguration in the library yesterday and later went to L's friend's to watch the parade and congressional lunch. It got a little tepid for someone as self centered as I tend to be, but it was pretty incredible. Incredible to think that only 30 years before even, or in some parts of the south that I am from, black people still can't eat or stop in certain towns without a fear of being freaking hung from a cypress, for real.
And yet there is obama with his sexy self. His incredible intelligence is the real turn on. A black nerd, who happens to be pretty hot, is our president. God bless.

So I had just googled my exhusband's old girlfriend that, in some ways, I was more obsessed with than him. And just for the hell of it, I googled Rick. It seems he's moved to South Carolina!!! Wow. I mean, there is an email address for him. I could write him. But why? Why do I always have the compulsion to start shit that shouldn't be there, I mean, come on now. What the fuck would I even tell him?
Hey,
how are you?
did you tell anyone you're gay yet?
Have you moved to SC with your boyfriend, or partner, or new soulmate for life?

And then:
yes, I still drink, but no, nothing like I used to.
Hey, I recently had a miscarriage.
I have fucked um....way too many people since I saw you last, and I am not sorry for most of them.
I am in love with an amazing man who makes my fingers tingle, even if things aren't always perfect.
I am homeless.
I haven't seen my family in about as much time as I have seen you.

I hope you are happy, and I am sorry for all the trouble I have caused you.

me.

-----
that's about it ( i am listening to this amazing song by will kimbrough called goodnight moon)

oh
except Darrell.
he was at the micah center this morning when i walked in with L. He called me out and told me I was on some bullshit, and L was behind me and said no she's not, and then D called him an N and asked if they had to go outside???

then later, as we ignored him, he came back to the kitchen while we were eating scrambled eggs and grits and toast and cheese and fruit, (yummy) and starting talking to this other chick, like at the table right in front of us with his back to us, so we HAD to see him.

whatever. I didn't say another word to him. I should have called him out for the whole sabotaging my tent and shit, since we are pretty much living out of L's car now that Maryann went nuts and kicked us out (and we don't want to go back either, i think she would let me come back with out L, which of course will never happen, so i am scared to think of how my baby has been doing (zowie, i mean).

more later.

All right...it's been a while.

So yeah, like things are a bit different. No more fucking randomly for fun...just this one amazing person who has me feeling so in love I am going insane. Not because it's like a fairy tale, but because it's real. I still haven't gone home, simply because I am putting off, since my own father balks at the idea of my bringing a "friend" home when I should just be "getting to know them again." Now, of course I know this makes sense. Yes, I understand him to a point. But he's right, in so many ways, he has no idea who I am anymore. With or without Lamont. Basically my parents think that when we are there the two of us will be humping like bunnies every time they turn their heads. Lamont already told me we wouldn't even be messing around at ALL if/when we go to TN. He said, what kind of a man do you think I am...that I would disrespect you like that!

He's just...unbelieveable. He says I love you at all the right times, but doesn't overdo it. He HATES cheesy stuff, but still smacks my ass when I walk by. He is, by far, the most amazing lover I have had yet, but he also lets me know what he wants and when, and its not all about sex, either. I mean the suggestion is always there, but obviously in given circumstances its not always possible. If he even thinks I am angry, he lets me be angry, but sidles in eventually to tell me its going to be okay. It just like, this man might be in my life for a long time, and my family won't even meet him yet. and YET he's not giving up yet meeting them--he's not holding it against them, you know? He doesn't want to talk about marriage, but of course I don't either. He did tell me the other night that he doesn't believe anything lasts forever, but that you can always try to make it last. He has cheated before, but he knows how much I can take almost anything but that.

Which, somewhere in the back of this whole entire crazy thing...is Twan. I cut him, like forever. He doesn't even have a phone to call me from. He didn't believe I would do it, and I didn't think I could. He kept trying to call there for a while, but Maryann got her house phone disconnected. I never even met him for a last closure thing...Lamont didn't want me to anyway because he thought it was too early and he told me to do it later like in a few weeks ago. So sometime this week I guess I will call from Micah and see what I can do. Even for me, I do need to tell him that this is over and see that I really mean it. I understand that after he "read my letter" he finally knew that he was madly in love with me....which causes him to fuck judy that day he gets out of jail? are you fucking kidding me? yes, I loved/love Twan a lot. But I didn't deserve that kind of relationship. I still don't. If I could have just had casual sex with him that would have been one thing, but its too far past that point, and besides, I like this new thing going on with Lamont, and I don't want to end it.

More later....