happy after christmas

Yeah. I didn't make it home this year...maybe after the new year? Our little stint with Maryanne is definitely over...spent christmas in motel six, free for three days. I can't complain. When I say WE, by the way, well, yeah I guess you could say there may be a we, well, there is a we in my present right now. Lamont.
He's still here. Wow. No, I haven't fucked anyone else but him, since I started fucking him. I haven't seen Antoine in about a week. He's still talking about how he wants to be with me and he has dreams of making love to me, but...I have let him go. Well, I am trying to. Yes, I think I have shot myself in the foot, no question.
I did the thing I am never supposed to do. I love him.
Why?
Because, I trust him. Because what else is there to say? He looks after me. He challenges me to tell him when I am angry or frustrated. I can have the most comfortable silences with him. I can fuck him in the middle of the night or in the morning without a thought to brushing my teeth. He's not afraid to take me anywhere or include me in anything. He is comfortable pooling our resources together. He never puts me down, about what a loser I am right now. There is the mention of a future, the hint of one.

Now granted, there is still Robyn to deal with. Robyn who is telling him in front of me that she is in love with him. But he hasn't fucked her. I have told him, I respect what we already have enough that when the time comes you want to fuck anyone else, it is time for me to step off. And he just said, well I hope that won't be without a fight. :)
I can't just out and say that I am in love with him right now, but he already knows it.

So again the lesson here is how not to get caught up in a person, in how to really try to pick up the side pieces now that there is a person who halfway cares, and who is attempting to do the same thing. Also, my writing wants to bust out and through and open. I need to be writing, really writing again. It is truly an allergy that, when not dealt with, gets really out of hand.

Well, I managed to write this entire post without him looking over my shoulder once (I told him that I had a blog online that no one knows about and that has a lot of stuff about him in it).

yeah, yeah, yeah....

whatever...i am soooooooooooooo much worse off now than i was before!!!
lamont got kicked out of maryannes and neither one of us are supposed to be sleeping there anymore, but she let me last night because i didn't know where he was..the night before we slept in his car. its like, i know he's not responsible for me or anything, but we still keep hanging together, but there is still robyn and basically i am like a fucking hangnail for every single person i know right now. i found out i think i might be able to get a bus ticket home without any real id as long as i have a password and serial number or whatever.

what do i feel about lamont? who knows. who cares.
today he knew i was upset about last night but its not like he really wants to hang around that house you know? he was in the tent with me until it started to rain and then we went to his car for the rest of the night.

darrell said he was coming to micah on tuesday again and of course he didn't...i don't even know when i'll ever see him again. if i do go to tennessee, where am i going to come back too? i have to get my tent and stuff though, don't i? i don't even have antoine. lamont just feels bad for me and likes my pussy (and mine is the only constant pussy he's had in a while, why mess with that, right?? heh)

i'm fucking scared. and i want to get nailed and drunk sooooo bad right now, tonight. i swear if someone gave me the opportunity, i would totally go for it...where is that random guy who asked me if i drank vodka that one night? if twan hadn't been there, i totally would have went for it. i am listening to "love lockdown" by kayne west right now. you know, i never even talk about drinking a lot on here...i talk loads more about sex. heheh

that;'s because i don't really drink a whole lot. today lamont came over with a forty and shared it with me while we watched csi and he took a nap. nothing nasty, but he rubbed my leg for a while and kissed me. its all out of comfort with him, though. he's nowhere near being in love with me for real. i think he cares for me, you know, and he feels very comfortable with me, and he definitely knows i like him. he thinks i am a "sweetheart". ugh. that's almost as bad as, your a great friend. :) so then he left earlier, saying he was going to be back and i waited and waited and figured, why get depressed over no one.

my weird little library friend is gone. the one that hit me. heh. he was nice looking, but what a psycho. besides, as much as i hate to say it, i don't need to be adding any new sexual partners to my reprotoire...or however you spell it.

it was bad enough that i actually started giving tommy a blow job in the damn hospital the other day. shit. when will i stop? is this truly my life?

listening now to i love, you love by john legend. oh to have music and some alcohol and a naked body, for REAL... sheesh.
i don't know where i will sleep tomorrow or even if i will get to see him anymore tonight, but i will tell you what, he can get awfully freaky in a car. :)

And so I wade, deeper and deeper?

Okay, so now there really is no place to go but down, or dare I go?

different things flashing, pulsing, things that make me want to stay, even when I know I should not?

My family wants me to come home for Christmas, and I am afraid. Like some fucking intervention. The place I was staying, with the baby, well, the girl wants us all to be gone. I think actually that I could stay there, but whatever.

And then there is him (right beside me in the library as we speak, trying to read over my shoulder@!@!!! there is nothing to say about that now except that things are much more difficult than I or he ever intended them to be.

No more food stamps!

So that I will be truthfully and officially useless.
D called to say yesterday that he wanted my pussy, even though i was bleeding still (though I think I have stopped as of today, maybe), and told me to meet him this morning at micah. Of course I was there, sans zowie the baby, because her mom didn't feel like getting out. I saw wilson, twan's cousin there...i never did mess around with him, but we always talked about it. :) and Tommy ended up showing up along with Lamont, who brought Robyn (and who recieved a blow job from yours truly around 4 this morning).
Well, about 5 minutes before I had to leave for social services, guess who walks into the room all smug and shit. I had written him a note about where I would be.
Needless to say, I saw him for all of three minutes and left, and no he didn't bother to try to catch up with me here at the lib later.
yes i wanted to fuck him. i at least wanted to see him and talk to him and shit. i wanted to met the old white man and I want to feel safe.
I want to take care of someone and not feel like I am always in the fucking way, you know?
I am so tired. I have come to hate the fucking weekends.

ah well, here we go.

Ummm, okay, wow.

i don't really know how to write this...or tell this to anyone, except for the few that know now. i. had. a. miscarriage. a baby. a dead baby came out of me the day before yesterday, and yesterday. twan's or darrell's. i still haven't talked to twan. i cried a lot by myself in the hospital.

i can't stay at maryann's anymore.

i am staying at the cold shelter tonight (i hope)

i still want to stay with darrell's white man friend.

i have five bus tickets to my name.

i need something or someone.

the lamont-affair is now over...he officially belongs to robyn..but i already know he'll miss my sex. :)