sometimes my emails speak easier than i can....(read me backwards)

Dear A,

hey what is THAT supposed to mean? lol i DO miss hearing from you.
today he (my boss) moved me suddenly into a room on my own with 12 kids (most of whom knew me but one crybaby) and told me he was watching to see if i could be lead teacher because he wanted to "weed" me out of my old class with ms wendy when i thought we were doing pretty good. so it was all good only a lot more responsibility on me from like nowhere and kept popping into my class when i wasnt doing right...and THE?N i get home and sis and law and kids are here with sis and niece ends up spending the night and its 11 15 and we should be asleep but sis just went to bed because sis in law didn't leave until 900!!! and its my sisters bday today btw. we had cake with parents on sat but decided not to do anything until friday cuz we get so tired during the week. andywayl lol should be writing this in my journal not to you.
and i do miss you. so save me some napkins.
and write me something long. or at least, call me when i can talk to you? at night after 530 or 6 is good i try to call on my breaks but you are always on the field lol.
be safe..and enjoy the lights.
have you ever seen a movie called love letters?
its white lol but good.
me



From: A
To: me
Date: Tuesday, September 29, 2009, 7:38 AM



i bet you do .

------- Original Message ------- On 9/28/2009 11:42 PM me
wow vagas. are you going to get hitched? lol bring me a souvenir. ive always wanted to go to las vegas. this week is okay, just starting but exhausting as ever. we had four new kids today which means i have a roll of 25 one year old kids in a room where i am only allowed 12. lol anyway. its all good
well write more when you can ok? i miss hearing from you.
me.

--- On Mon, 9/28/09, A


From:A
Subject:
To: me
Date: Monday, September 28, 2009, 7:56 AM



cool i have be out if town to vegas

------- Original Message ------- On 9/23/2009 01:44 pm me wrote
hey baby. how are you? how is your week going?
mine is ok...tired as hell lol but my kiddies are doing well. i missed them over the weekend, alhough i spent a lot of time with my niece and then SHE got sick with ear infecions! so my ma took her to clarksville for the week so that the other baby won't get sick. i went to the eye doctor for new glasses tonight...we didn't get home until a bit ago!!!!
but oh well at least i will be able to see with my blind self lol.
hope you are well. talk to you soon?
me

--- On Fri, 9/18/09, A wrote:


From: A
Subject: good morning...
To: me
Date: Friday, September 18, 2009, 7:05 AM



hey how are you doing i will have my phone back soon .james did tell u called .i am in need of some lovin real bad can u help.

------- Original Message ------- On 9/18/2009 01:31 AM me wrote:
Hey u. Hope u r well did ya get my call? call me soon ill write more l8tr this is on my fone

----------
Sent from AT&T's Wireless network using Mobile Email

------Original Message------
From:
To:
Date: Fri, Sep 11, 2009 11:26 AM
Subject: good morning...


it will soon happen

------- Original Message ------- On 9/11/2009 04:07 AM me wrote:
hey. thanks for trying to call me today. i tried calling you back lol still missing each other i guess. all i pretty much do these days is work, come home hang out for about an hour, and go to sleep lol. then i wake up and do it all over again. but i cann ot complain...it is a job. i just get tired lol. this weekend we are going to potty train my neice. likebringing my homework with me eh?but keep trying to call...you go to bed a lot earlier than i do but maybe we will catch each other eventually.hope you are well.me

Integration

Wow. So I really should keep writing in here if I am really a writer, eh?
Guess what, I am WORKING NOW.
With babies, again... in daycare...fortunately for me it is in a place, in Tennessee even, where I am one of the only white employees.

So, while there is no more random fucking and I have a sorely underused pussy, at least I am actually earning actual US dollars, albeit 7.25 an hour.

I don't drink...well, not a LOT :)
My life is terribly boring.
I am thinking this should be a great time for writing to kick off. I mean, I go to work, get snot and shit on my clothes (as well as loads of hugs, kisses, and adorable little memories from beautiful kids),
then I come home, with my sister no less,
and do as little as possible until I go to bed sinfully early
to start the whole thing over again.
But its okay.
Im alive,

im breathing, i don't feel attractive, but i do feel useful. :) and i know that i am absolutely wonderful with kids.
however, any random entrance of a hot beautiful dark skinned man would be welcome. :)

I will try to write here more often. no one still knows im here, but i do. God has brought me an incredibly long way.

keep dreaming, you random people out there...maybe i will actually get around to posting some book lists on here...that would be good for me, and i totally getting into this carl weber guy..almost as good as michael baisdon!!!

i so want one of the men in his books lol.

yeah

Welcome to the Lamont channel.

I used to think that i should stop calling myself a drunk. lol but unfortunately apparantly whenever I find or make five dollars, the first thing I wanna do is buy vodka, same way sis wants to buy cigarrettes. Of course, my habit makes me a little bit more inhospitable, when named in reality....drunk. Ha and, my sis hides her habit. I try but appparantly I can't with family or friends. So, short story is, I have been drinking vodka again..but very carefully. Isn't that what we all say? Fully functioning. No one (but my sister) will know? Do I plan to stop? I hope so because life has been so much better without it. and I CAN go without it. So the question is, why do I choose it? No big black man to take the pain away? lol.

Speaking of, I got off the phone with Lamont a few minutes ago, and for the first time in weeks, I'll say, I cried like a baby.

Out loud.

Like, talked and scream-cried. :)

He still has his girlfriend. I think he just calls me. well at this point he calls me back when I call, like for maintanence :) and when I say yes I am happy for you and I know she must be nice.....wait
haven't I said this all before?


It doesn't matter does it. I truly can't think about being with Jack until I am over Lamont. I can't be with anyone really. Of course, do I wanna be with anyone else? I already knew that I should be alone, right? And it's not like I can't have guy friends...Twan called yesterday lol. Well this post is just gone to shit. So dont tell any one i cried over that sam l jackson lookin man with a missing front tooth who can eat pussy better than anyone i will ever meet.

So how much should I reverse ? lol

I am not homeless...
and now I have a job
and now I am sleepy.
I guess I used to write here because I didn't have my own paper even.
Now I am leading a more bored (READ) tired
life. But the babies in my care are beautiful.
and now I live with my dear sister, Annette.
She might annoy me at times, but she loves me unconditionally,
she takes care of me...she might be the person I was supposed to have in my life all along...
all those years...

No, she is not a black man, and I don't see one coming to my aid anytime soon.
But she is one of the most generous people I know.
I think she is unappreciated.
Her whole life, she has no idea how much I have loved her.

Who knows...we might repeat history...
our twin aunts lived in our very same house lol.
We will never be as dependent on each other
but maybe a little dependence isn't as bad as I used to think it was.

Here is a celebration for Annette. And here is a mourning lol.
I miss you, big black sexy men..please tell me you are still around.

LOL

Jakky and Bees

I am watching The Secret lives of bees. After watching a Family that prays. I have a boy here, named Jakky, But he is a man from Nigeria. Sex three times.
Already saying I love you but don't get too attached to me. I will be-lieving soon.

my big strong brother from iraq is visiting.
and my new baby boy nephew is delicious
--I write more in my paper journal
because i know that lamont won't come here no more to look.
not that he ever even knew about this bloggy place lol.
no one does, really.

one day i want him to read it.

F*k lamont

i knew it would happen, baby. this is the email i can't send you because i am going to be a good girl. i fucking want to hate you so bad. so you met another girl. i knew you would. i knew you would. how long did it take you? the only reason i am dealing with ... is because i thought i had to find someone else first before you did....and youre like oh did you sleep with him and im like oh noooo and im like did you kiss her and your like baby i didn't fuck her and you know how much i love kissing...

well fuck you
i did fuck him already

i hurt again and again
over and over and over

even if this new person thinks i am beautiful
and is not white
lol
and has a thick dick

its not your tongue
anymore
and you
i guess are okay with this.
and i,
i'm not.

god i loved you
i am so selfish i didn't want you with anyone else. does that qualify me as crazy?
and she has a KID? some beautiful black two year old baby boy?
how can i not hurt over this.
it seeps through my pores.

lamont.

i wanted you so bad

forever i wanted you
i hate this
it hurts.