sometimes my emails speak easier than i can....(read me backwards)

Dear A,

hey what is THAT supposed to mean? lol i DO miss hearing from you.
today he (my boss) moved me suddenly into a room on my own with 12 kids (most of whom knew me but one crybaby) and told me he was watching to see if i could be lead teacher because he wanted to "weed" me out of my old class with ms wendy when i thought we were doing pretty good. so it was all good only a lot more responsibility on me from like nowhere and kept popping into my class when i wasnt doing right...and THE?N i get home and sis and law and kids are here with sis and niece ends up spending the night and its 11 15 and we should be asleep but sis just went to bed because sis in law didn't leave until 900!!! and its my sisters bday today btw. we had cake with parents on sat but decided not to do anything until friday cuz we get so tired during the week. andywayl lol should be writing this in my journal not to you.
and i do miss you. so save me some napkins.
and write me something long. or at least, call me when i can talk to you? at night after 530 or 6 is good i try to call on my breaks but you are always on the field lol.
be safe..and enjoy the lights.
have you ever seen a movie called love letters?
its white lol but good.
me



From: A
To: me
Date: Tuesday, September 29, 2009, 7:38 AM



i bet you do .

------- Original Message ------- On 9/28/2009 11:42 PM me
wow vagas. are you going to get hitched? lol bring me a souvenir. ive always wanted to go to las vegas. this week is okay, just starting but exhausting as ever. we had four new kids today which means i have a roll of 25 one year old kids in a room where i am only allowed 12. lol anyway. its all good
well write more when you can ok? i miss hearing from you.
me.

--- On Mon, 9/28/09, A


From:A
Subject:
To: me
Date: Monday, September 28, 2009, 7:56 AM



cool i have be out if town to vegas

------- Original Message ------- On 9/23/2009 01:44 pm me wrote
hey baby. how are you? how is your week going?
mine is ok...tired as hell lol but my kiddies are doing well. i missed them over the weekend, alhough i spent a lot of time with my niece and then SHE got sick with ear infecions! so my ma took her to clarksville for the week so that the other baby won't get sick. i went to the eye doctor for new glasses tonight...we didn't get home until a bit ago!!!!
but oh well at least i will be able to see with my blind self lol.
hope you are well. talk to you soon?
me

--- On Fri, 9/18/09, A wrote:


From: A
Subject: good morning...
To: me
Date: Friday, September 18, 2009, 7:05 AM



hey how are you doing i will have my phone back soon .james did tell u called .i am in need of some lovin real bad can u help.

------- Original Message ------- On 9/18/2009 01:31 AM me wrote:
Hey u. Hope u r well did ya get my call? call me soon ill write more l8tr this is on my fone

----------
Sent from AT&T's Wireless network using Mobile Email

------Original Message------
From:
To:
Date: Fri, Sep 11, 2009 11:26 AM
Subject: good morning...


it will soon happen

------- Original Message ------- On 9/11/2009 04:07 AM me wrote:
hey. thanks for trying to call me today. i tried calling you back lol still missing each other i guess. all i pretty much do these days is work, come home hang out for about an hour, and go to sleep lol. then i wake up and do it all over again. but i cann ot complain...it is a job. i just get tired lol. this weekend we are going to potty train my neice. likebringing my homework with me eh?but keep trying to call...you go to bed a lot earlier than i do but maybe we will catch each other eventually.hope you are well.me

Integration

Wow. So I really should keep writing in here if I am really a writer, eh?
Guess what, I am WORKING NOW.
With babies, again... in daycare...fortunately for me it is in a place, in Tennessee even, where I am one of the only white employees.

So, while there is no more random fucking and I have a sorely underused pussy, at least I am actually earning actual US dollars, albeit 7.25 an hour.

I don't drink...well, not a LOT :)
My life is terribly boring.
I am thinking this should be a great time for writing to kick off. I mean, I go to work, get snot and shit on my clothes (as well as loads of hugs, kisses, and adorable little memories from beautiful kids),
then I come home, with my sister no less,
and do as little as possible until I go to bed sinfully early
to start the whole thing over again.
But its okay.
Im alive,

im breathing, i don't feel attractive, but i do feel useful. :) and i know that i am absolutely wonderful with kids.
however, any random entrance of a hot beautiful dark skinned man would be welcome. :)

I will try to write here more often. no one still knows im here, but i do. God has brought me an incredibly long way.

keep dreaming, you random people out there...maybe i will actually get around to posting some book lists on here...that would be good for me, and i totally getting into this carl weber guy..almost as good as michael baisdon!!!

i so want one of the men in his books lol.

yeah

Welcome to the Lamont channel.

I used to think that i should stop calling myself a drunk. lol but unfortunately apparantly whenever I find or make five dollars, the first thing I wanna do is buy vodka, same way sis wants to buy cigarrettes. Of course, my habit makes me a little bit more inhospitable, when named in reality....drunk. Ha and, my sis hides her habit. I try but appparantly I can't with family or friends. So, short story is, I have been drinking vodka again..but very carefully. Isn't that what we all say? Fully functioning. No one (but my sister) will know? Do I plan to stop? I hope so because life has been so much better without it. and I CAN go without it. So the question is, why do I choose it? No big black man to take the pain away? lol.

Speaking of, I got off the phone with Lamont a few minutes ago, and for the first time in weeks, I'll say, I cried like a baby.

Out loud.

Like, talked and scream-cried. :)

He still has his girlfriend. I think he just calls me. well at this point he calls me back when I call, like for maintanence :) and when I say yes I am happy for you and I know she must be nice.....wait
haven't I said this all before?


It doesn't matter does it. I truly can't think about being with Jack until I am over Lamont. I can't be with anyone really. Of course, do I wanna be with anyone else? I already knew that I should be alone, right? And it's not like I can't have guy friends...Twan called yesterday lol. Well this post is just gone to shit. So dont tell any one i cried over that sam l jackson lookin man with a missing front tooth who can eat pussy better than anyone i will ever meet.

So how much should I reverse ? lol

I am not homeless...
and now I have a job
and now I am sleepy.
I guess I used to write here because I didn't have my own paper even.
Now I am leading a more bored (READ) tired
life. But the babies in my care are beautiful.
and now I live with my dear sister, Annette.
She might annoy me at times, but she loves me unconditionally,
she takes care of me...she might be the person I was supposed to have in my life all along...
all those years...

No, she is not a black man, and I don't see one coming to my aid anytime soon.
But she is one of the most generous people I know.
I think she is unappreciated.
Her whole life, she has no idea how much I have loved her.

Who knows...we might repeat history...
our twin aunts lived in our very same house lol.
We will never be as dependent on each other
but maybe a little dependence isn't as bad as I used to think it was.

Here is a celebration for Annette. And here is a mourning lol.
I miss you, big black sexy men..please tell me you are still around.

LOL

Jakky and Bees

I am watching The Secret lives of bees. After watching a Family that prays. I have a boy here, named Jakky, But he is a man from Nigeria. Sex three times.
Already saying I love you but don't get too attached to me. I will be-lieving soon.

my big strong brother from iraq is visiting.
and my new baby boy nephew is delicious
--I write more in my paper journal
because i know that lamont won't come here no more to look.
not that he ever even knew about this bloggy place lol.
no one does, really.

one day i want him to read it.

F*k lamont

i knew it would happen, baby. this is the email i can't send you because i am going to be a good girl. i fucking want to hate you so bad. so you met another girl. i knew you would. i knew you would. how long did it take you? the only reason i am dealing with ... is because i thought i had to find someone else first before you did....and youre like oh did you sleep with him and im like oh noooo and im like did you kiss her and your like baby i didn't fuck her and you know how much i love kissing...

well fuck you
i did fuck him already

i hurt again and again
over and over and over

even if this new person thinks i am beautiful
and is not white
lol
and has a thick dick

its not your tongue
anymore
and you
i guess are okay with this.
and i,
i'm not.

god i loved you
i am so selfish i didn't want you with anyone else. does that qualify me as crazy?
and she has a KID? some beautiful black two year old baby boy?
how can i not hurt over this.
it seeps through my pores.

lamont.

i wanted you so bad

forever i wanted you
i hate this
it hurts.

Let the fucking streams flow!!!!!

This is like...fucking 15 minutes later...as usual, even though i am in the same STATE as my parents, i am still the last to know about anything that happens...my mom has been in the same touwn as me since last night and i didn't even know about it. so i of course am the idiot who is going to call her...and as soon as she said something about it, i got all bitchy but of course my mom covers it up...i busted up all over again and just shoved the phone at my mother. i want to drink so bad i physically ache. i ache all over. i hurt. i wish i had some vodka or a penis or SOMEthing to take this away.

i am not that pissed at my mom at all, in fact i could care less. i am just really pissed off about.....nothing. i am sad. i want lamont. i can't believe it upset me that bad that he called.

WOW!!!!

Oh shit shit shit. Here I sit, crying all over again and wishing I had a bottle of vodka.

Lamont just called. We talked for 7 minutes. for him, that's good, of course our phone minutes are free, but he hates the phone. Of course, I had JUST emailed him before, like two minutes. He read my other emails i guess, this morning.
He said he would call me in case I was trying to hold off in calling him, which of course I am. He said Zowie is getting really big...they are having her birthday party at the rec center on saturday so he is going to that. I was soooooo GOOOD! I didn't cry at all. At least not until I got off the phone, and then the tears came....wow. Shit. I can't do anything right now. I can't believe him.

Fuck him man...
or is it, I want to fuck him? :)

Dear Penpal....

--------------(notice I never talk about what a (former) slut I am and how I sugarcoat everything so nice and neat? :)

Good morning....(laughing)

I guess that's good that you have questions. But you seem to have actually gotten the gist of it. It always was a take it one day at a time deal. See we started out as being friends. I didn't mean to fall in love with him at all. It just happened. He never promised to marry me. I guess its just a shame that things dissolved simply because I couldn't support myself. I honestly don't know if he would ask to have me back or not with money. I think that maybe yes he would, and it would be very difficult for me to say no, but I think with time I will be able to know that I would have to tell him know. I don't ever want to be that vulnerable to anyone again, but as much as i loved him, especially to him. I made it too easy for him. There was no need for him to pursue me. I have a horrible fault of loving way too easily and deeply (don't worry I am going to be on permanent hiatus).

There is a reason I am a Christian and why I believe in the basic premises of my faith...I have just, as my father would say, been severely backslidden since my divorce years ago (another long convoluted story...short one is, i was drinking way too much by the time we got married, and my husband left me after a year, but basically realized it was because he was gay--I and my therapist did I mean, he never admitted, and later I met an outside source who confirmed as much). But I haven't seen him, literally for years. I didn't even want to see him to sign the papers, I met my mother-in-law at a bank actually with a notary, and that was that, nice and tidy. I didn't ask for anything but my freedom. But life got hard after that, and I got stubborn.

But back to the situation...the roommate, ah yes. I hate really talking about it because it gets on my least favorite topic. Okay basically he (Robin), I mean we got along pretty well, and actually he was a Christian too, which was cool. But he was sort of slightly afro-centric, and I think he thought I was cramping Lamont's style. :) I hope this doesn't offend you. See, while my immediate family has no issues with race, being from the South, everyone NOT in my immediate family tends to be pretty ignorant about race, and I still think it baffles my family that I am so attracted to black men, and black people in general. I learned about this is graduate school, and actually it is a form of racism called exoticism that I probably suffer from, I just try not to think about it. My father's father was intolerably racist his whole life and lived to be 97, and I think in partial rebellion to him, I just naturally turned to the thing he thought he hated so much.

At the same time I am very aware of my whiteness. I wouldn't say I was colorblind, more like color celebratory. :) But, even with Lamont this was never an issue. He had been raised in white foster homes most of his life and I think dated mostly white girls. So we sort of met in the middle (does that make sense?) Maybe none of this does, but what I am saying is I am hypersensitive about making people of other race, ANY race, but probably mostly black, feel comfortable, and it offends me, I think, when I can't stop someone from seeing my color, just like all the rednecks I grew up around could see past it.

I hope this doesn't make you think I am a total nut, but this has been a pretty exhausting part of learning who I am in life.

Anyway, yesterday was nice. My nephew is beautiful, and so is my neice but she is VERY jealous of new baby brother. Her mother tends to have a hard time controlling her as it is (my parents, while doting, definitely know how to make kids mind, and both my sister and I are pretty good with disciplining kids even though we have none ourselves). Seeing my parents was nice, if only for an hour or two. I bought 14 new books from Goodwill for next to nothing, so I am excited to have some books to read, good ones two...some robert frost poetry and two dickens, even. And we bought a watermelon from a man off the side of the road so now I feel truly back in the South. :)

Well, as usual, this got long...I guess I never actually told you, but I did study writing in school. I tend to get carried away...its never more fun than talking about yourself, eh?
As far as my future...this is not the time to ask about it anymore. I have no idea.

But what about you? What do you want be doing in ten years? Do you like your job now? What have you always dreamed of doing? What is your favorite thing to do on your day off? What are some of your favorite books?

Have a blessed day and night....





--- On Sun, 7/12/09,
Melissa,How long did you know this guy before you were living with him? What were your long range plans when you got together with him? Were you thinking that you might spend the rest of your days with him or was he just a passing phase? What was his intentions? I just hate to see people get used and then tossed aside like yesterday's news paper. What would happen if you went out tomorrow and got a job making lets say about 50 thousand dollars a year. Would he invite you back then or would he just say stay where you are we are finished?How did you get alone with his room mate? why did he want you to leave? I know that I am just full of questions but I am having a difficult time understanding your logic as to what happened.How are you doing today? How was your night last night? what are your future plans? Where will you be when you get where you are going? Just curious......

Dear Ike.....

You never called me back! I am so surprised...I should start a payment plan for your time? :) Well, just to finish up what I was going to say before so we don't have to have that conversation again, basically the guy we (Lamont and I) were living with wasn't paying his half of the rent even though he was all over L about getting HIS half in. Basically it really started stressing him out (L), and he thought it was best if I weren't there. I guess that it was in his own best interests. But I mean, it's not like he hated me. I know he didn't cheat on me...we were doing fine, well, physically you know. He wouldn't actually come out and say he would rather me leave, I said it first. He said are you sure you want to do this now? And I was like, well I don't want to do it later!!

Anyway, after that, it was over. Within 20 minutes the conversation was over and I already had a ticket home and I didn't talk to him basically for a few days until it was time for me to leave....and, that's that. Lamont is someone I will always be friends with. I would like to think I will be able to see him the future, but that won't be for years, if ever. I can still call him ever so often just to say hello, but I haven't called because right now it isn't healthy.

And, he did teach me about what I deserve in a relationship. Even if it was short-lived, and things were tough, he made me happier than any other relationship I have ever had. That's for real. He never ever lied to me. He didn't cheat on me. He was very affectionate with me. He was romantic, not in a traditional way, but in a sweet way. We never fought, we laughed together, we just sort of fit together naturally. I guess he just didn't think it was worth fighting for.

So, Ike. That's that. I will try not to talk about him anymore to you. :)

Today I met my nephew for the first time. He's beautiful. But my neice is very jealous. :) I love her--she's only three. She got very jealous when her grandpa (my daddy) held her brother! Its a good thing I'm such a grown up now too, or I might have been jealous too (just kidding. :)) It was nice to see my folks, if only for an hour or two.

I bought some (VERY cheap) books at Goodwill, and spent the rest of the night by myself until my sister came home. Next week I will be here for five days by myself, so I am glad I love being alone so much! :)

Well, this got long...I'll have to paste it in my journal. I will try to call you another time, or MAYbe you might call me....

your white girl
melissa
---------------------------

I also watched facts of life on hulu today, heheheh.

Oh and one more thing....

i guess i will always be an alcoholic, but i can't drink anymore, not really. i mean i told my sis every once in a while i will need SOMEthing...but i mean, in general i quit that cold turkey too.
woo woo

We always speak too soon...

I always talk about how I want to write?
I don't want to do anything anymore.

Evolution my ass. I hate everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

--I am in TN!!!!
--LAMONT DUMPED ME!
--I AM NOT HAVING SEX WITH ANYONE
--I LIVE WITH MY SISTER
--DID I MENTION I AM IN TN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111

What have I become?

I guess i will be together enough in the next few days to really start writing...what else do i have to do, besides get a damn job?????

There are two cats here, and my sis' dog.

I mean....he just did it basically so he wouldn't have worry about providing for me. Robin, the guy he is living with isn't paying his rent either, and I just wasn't pulling my weight....he didn't even fucking cheat on me, for real.

but i have only called him twice since I have been here, that's good isn't it?

Have I ever told you how much I hate TN? It is so racist here. And lets just be honest okay? Cutting cold turkey from some hot ass black dick isn't exactly my idea of fun.

Since Tuesday I have been laying around on my ass feeling sorry for myself, you know? My sister has been awesome...pretty amazing. I have the internet. I have a place to sleep. I know. Stop yelling at me. i think i am going to be alright. Time heals all wounds, isn't that what they say? I sure hope so, God.

Evolution?

Things are so different than they used to be. I keep trying to remember how much I hate change, and yet it seems lately that is my one constant thing in life: change...well, that, and Lamont. :) He is my dream. We moved haphazardly to Richmond and went from having nothing and making nothing to him having to come up with 900$ for rent and utilities and such, and of course my fat ass ain't doing a damn thing to help.

We live in a nice house, nice as in two stories, spacious kitchen and living room, our own room and a balconey and three porches. But it's totally unfinished, and not only is lamont paying all this money for a place that really isn't even worth it, he is expected to renovate the whole place for free!

As for me. Life is sweet. Too sweet. I see colors brighter and the hear things like noise-music in every echo. I went home. I saw my family, WITHout Lamont. And I made it without him. :) I caught up with Robyn and Alethea who has an amazing baby.....
I am afraid to feel so happy when my whole life is always on the fringe of things. Do I live life on the fringe of things? I wonder. There is the whole entrappment. Yes, I adore being able to read all the books I want, still not a lot of writing yet. Not a computer to do it but yes mostly excuses. I think this might be able to work out though. L and I, he and his video games, me and books, beer, some mojo (not mine), hard work, that's where I come in. Mom and Daddy FINALLY sent away for my birth certificate, and then I have to once and for all for real get a fucking job. If we end up having to leave Robin's house, it'll suck, cuz we have the truck too, but I have already been looking at rooms we could rent for a lot cheaper than we are paying now.

A tenting we will go...

Spent three days in the hospital because of Lamont's "chest pain" to stay out of the cold. I sort of like our cozy little tent, even if the wind did blow it over yesterday and he had to weight it down with logs and bags. :) but tonight it should be cold as hell and i am sure the cold shelter will not be open so we will be freezing our asses off out there, plus its just so far up route one, its so inconvenient to get back and forth in fredericksburg....oh well.

things between us are...well, as well as can be expected....oops, more next week?...

Time, and then.

Once again, am I forced to wonder how bad this can get?
Homeless again, not even a car to go to. :)
but not too bad yet, because still there is my baby, Lamont.
It all scares the shit out of me, though. I am so afraid any day now he is going to leave. I mean, he does need to work. and so do I, but if he has to travel, I truly have NO WHERE to go, I mean when the cold shelter isn't open at night.
Not sure if the tent is still up at our spot.
I did talk to Twan yesterday for about 7 minutes. He's okay. Still probably lying. asked me all of this extra stuff, do i miss him, do i think about making love to him, blah blah...he could have found me a place to stay and all that mess, but do I really believe that?

And then yesterday we saw darrell who invited us over to drink a blasted beer with him, and tried to grab my ass on the way out the door!

And maryann freaked out on us for no reason for the last time last night.
So goodbye, baby zowie. It sucks, and i will miss her like crazy, but we simply can't take it anymore, it's no freaking fair. And then like, people took shit from Lamont's car, so our shit is all spread out because they don't want us to keep stuff in his car while he is waiting for his license plates, but like, we don't have anywhere else to put it all, you know? it sucks.

But i am alive, and amazingly, in major love.
and i need to be fucked badly.
however, i am digging the no more gratuitous sex.

i like this new lovely love. at least for now.
and i am just praying for some miracle, or at least some under the table, legal fast money, you know?
i even thought about trying to sell my fucking plasma! :)
but there are no centers for it around here.

this morning we took a walk along the canal road under some bridges into downtown. We sat on a pier for a little bit and listened to the birds and tried to crack the ice with an empty green glass bottle but the water was frozen solid. it was a beautiful walk to the library. the cold had hardened the ground but the air was clean and hard.

oh for just a beatiful moment at least once a day?

melissa

Congrats to Prez, where's my ex, and more...

We watched the inauguration in the library yesterday and later went to L's friend's to watch the parade and congressional lunch. It got a little tepid for someone as self centered as I tend to be, but it was pretty incredible. Incredible to think that only 30 years before even, or in some parts of the south that I am from, black people still can't eat or stop in certain towns without a fear of being freaking hung from a cypress, for real.
And yet there is obama with his sexy self. His incredible intelligence is the real turn on. A black nerd, who happens to be pretty hot, is our president. God bless.

So I had just googled my exhusband's old girlfriend that, in some ways, I was more obsessed with than him. And just for the hell of it, I googled Rick. It seems he's moved to South Carolina!!! Wow. I mean, there is an email address for him. I could write him. But why? Why do I always have the compulsion to start shit that shouldn't be there, I mean, come on now. What the fuck would I even tell him?
Hey,
how are you?
did you tell anyone you're gay yet?
Have you moved to SC with your boyfriend, or partner, or new soulmate for life?

And then:
yes, I still drink, but no, nothing like I used to.
Hey, I recently had a miscarriage.
I have fucked um....way too many people since I saw you last, and I am not sorry for most of them.
I am in love with an amazing man who makes my fingers tingle, even if things aren't always perfect.
I am homeless.
I haven't seen my family in about as much time as I have seen you.

I hope you are happy, and I am sorry for all the trouble I have caused you.

me.

-----
that's about it ( i am listening to this amazing song by will kimbrough called goodnight moon)

oh
except Darrell.
he was at the micah center this morning when i walked in with L. He called me out and told me I was on some bullshit, and L was behind me and said no she's not, and then D called him an N and asked if they had to go outside???

then later, as we ignored him, he came back to the kitchen while we were eating scrambled eggs and grits and toast and cheese and fruit, (yummy) and starting talking to this other chick, like at the table right in front of us with his back to us, so we HAD to see him.

whatever. I didn't say another word to him. I should have called him out for the whole sabotaging my tent and shit, since we are pretty much living out of L's car now that Maryann went nuts and kicked us out (and we don't want to go back either, i think she would let me come back with out L, which of course will never happen, so i am scared to think of how my baby has been doing (zowie, i mean).

more later.

All right...it's been a while.

So yeah, like things are a bit different. No more fucking randomly for fun...just this one amazing person who has me feeling so in love I am going insane. Not because it's like a fairy tale, but because it's real. I still haven't gone home, simply because I am putting off, since my own father balks at the idea of my bringing a "friend" home when I should just be "getting to know them again." Now, of course I know this makes sense. Yes, I understand him to a point. But he's right, in so many ways, he has no idea who I am anymore. With or without Lamont. Basically my parents think that when we are there the two of us will be humping like bunnies every time they turn their heads. Lamont already told me we wouldn't even be messing around at ALL if/when we go to TN. He said, what kind of a man do you think I am...that I would disrespect you like that!

He's just...unbelieveable. He says I love you at all the right times, but doesn't overdo it. He HATES cheesy stuff, but still smacks my ass when I walk by. He is, by far, the most amazing lover I have had yet, but he also lets me know what he wants and when, and its not all about sex, either. I mean the suggestion is always there, but obviously in given circumstances its not always possible. If he even thinks I am angry, he lets me be angry, but sidles in eventually to tell me its going to be okay. It just like, this man might be in my life for a long time, and my family won't even meet him yet. and YET he's not giving up yet meeting them--he's not holding it against them, you know? He doesn't want to talk about marriage, but of course I don't either. He did tell me the other night that he doesn't believe anything lasts forever, but that you can always try to make it last. He has cheated before, but he knows how much I can take almost anything but that.

Which, somewhere in the back of this whole entire crazy thing...is Twan. I cut him, like forever. He doesn't even have a phone to call me from. He didn't believe I would do it, and I didn't think I could. He kept trying to call there for a while, but Maryann got her house phone disconnected. I never even met him for a last closure thing...Lamont didn't want me to anyway because he thought it was too early and he told me to do it later like in a few weeks ago. So sometime this week I guess I will call from Micah and see what I can do. Even for me, I do need to tell him that this is over and see that I really mean it. I understand that after he "read my letter" he finally knew that he was madly in love with me....which causes him to fuck judy that day he gets out of jail? are you fucking kidding me? yes, I loved/love Twan a lot. But I didn't deserve that kind of relationship. I still don't. If I could have just had casual sex with him that would have been one thing, but its too far past that point, and besides, I like this new thing going on with Lamont, and I don't want to end it.

More later....