Tomorrow's thanksgiving...

and i THINK I am still going to be at Maryann's house with mike and the baby and of course lamont. :) he already bought over a hundred dollars worth of food! can you believe it?he's been...oh so much fun. ok. so i do like him. it's inevitable. the butt pats, the squeezes, the not so hidden kisses. i like him, becasue just as i told him last night, he knows what and what not to get angry about. but once again i am only holding my own self down, not calling angel...having no money (i would like to sell my foodstamps). this morning robyn called him at 5:30...he went to the bathroom, came back downstairs, and instead of leaving right away, began touching me. he waited until after we were finished fucking before he left (and he kissed me goodbye), the darling.

this morning i saw that cute guy at the micah center that i have been curious about with MICHELLE, that big girl that darrell was with when i was away from the shelter for a weekend. i can't stand her. i called D. he's all talking about how he needs some pussy and he's been checking on our tent. i just don't know anymore. i told him maybe i would meet him there next week one day. once again he said the dude doesn't want anyone to stay with him, even though just monday he was saying that the guy had changed his mind, he's such a LIAR!!!!!

the reading is going great though. anyday my life dwindles into nothing, wisp by wisp. anyday now the ground will indeed swallow me up, completely. and i will be no more. wait and see. it will happen.

here we go again...

Well, it's Monday. Again. And Twan is still locked up. And I have still been staying over at Marryanne's house with Mike and the baby and LaMonte. And, last night is the first night I did not sleep with Lamonte since last Thursday. And he is trying to confuse me, so I am not going to let him. There is this woman, about 52, named Robyn, who met Lamonte because her former fiance was best friends with Mike. The fiance died about five months ago. Now Robyn calls Lamonte all the time! And he jumps whenever she calls, but as he so politely and correctly told marryanne today, he also jumps for her, as well. It's like, I can't really figure out the deal. She is tall and willowy, very dramatic and semi intimidating, very bossy, very different from Lamonte. Yet they seem to be woing each other in some strange way. He hasn't fucked her as much as i know. She is one of those people whom you couldn't really imagine fucking anyone. Although, I do know, once Lamonte gets his hands on her it will be all over. It was okay for Mike and marryanne to know about Lamonte and I, or at least guess about us, as long as we pretended we weren't doing anything....denial can go far. But just yesterday, AFTER I had just told him the night before that I was going to have to learn not to like him too much (to which he did that cute giggle-laugh and said, oh well, will you let me know? and i said, okay, well, its already getting hard not too, and he kissed my nose and fucked my brains out), he decides to lay his head in my lap most of the afternoon yesterday, BEFORE bringing robyn over last night for a while...on COME ON! last night we stayed at the homeless shelter again and he and i watched shawshank redemption. i was one of the only girls there so of course dudes are going to try to say something to me. The one kid was really young...lamonte kept leaning over and whispering...that kid likes you, to which I replied shut up...once when the kid sat down he ran his hand over my knee and said, what are you going to come visit my cot tonight?
whatever.

so as usual. i am letting male attachment(s) and books drift my life along, even though i am pretty much about as bad off as i have ever been.
D is desparate to see me again, still lying about the old man, whom i really do want to meet by the way. i am so ready to go there, also to get rid of lamonte quickly before i really do start to feel SOMEthing. if only he didn't fucking fuck me so good! if only he didn't like to pat my ass, run his fingers over me, suck my nipples....if only he didn't make that amazing sound when he was coming, if only he wouldn't eat me out for at least 30 minutes or more....damn. and i like him because (damn if i wasn't even talking to robyn herself about this yesterday) because lamonte is the kind of man who will back down from any kind of fight or drama unless it is absolutely necessary.

I miss my boy, though. there was a dude who has offered to take me to see him in hanover, but he's a little weird and i don't know if i trust being with him alone or not for a trip like that. i didn't even call judy yesterday. i will talk to her later today maybe. i don't think i will be seeing Darrell today abut i will at least call him before he gets off of work. lamonte is taking maryanne to a doctors appointment and mike has the baby so i didn't want to just assume that i would be over hanging out at maryanne's house which is why i skipped on over here. but lamonte said he would come over here after he got mary home from her appointment....and i didn't even ask him too!!!!!

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN>
i still haven't called angel in north carolina, but i really need too, and i really wish i could find someone who wanted to buy all of my foodstamps and i really want to get tims number and call him to see if we can still go to daytona together...huh? should i do that?

I didn't know it would be this long before I even wrote on here again. Still homeless, only moreso now. Twan got locked up the day before yesterday! i am utterly alone. have been staying with a girl maryanne and her baby, but boy does she have some issues. i babysit for her all the time free. she has had a long string of boyfriends. this latest one is 51 with no teeth who gets drunk every night. but at least he is good with her baby. she is just really exhausting. i wasn't planning on staying with her so long but twan and i were both staying with her. then when he got locked up, i went to the homeless community center here, yesterday, and who else but D shows up, PROMISING me that TODAY he would show up with a truck so that i could go meet the old white guy who needs someone to live with him and take care of him, and i was like okay baby i really need this now, i am definitely by myself, right? WRONG i waited for him all morning and he never showed up! i took the baby with me to the center this morning until mike and maryanne showed up later.

in other events, the slut took on another lover last night. :) well actually, i had sex with D in the tent early yesterday after promises that he would come get me today, right? well this is a guy lamont, who is also a friend of mike that has been staying with maryanne. i have seen him around at the homeless center but never really thought twice about him. when i was staying with maryanne twan was always with me...until last night. i joked around about needing mercy sex and he yelled from the kitchen just let me know when you need it (he is a really good cook, by the way). so anyway we get a little flirty and pretty much decide we are gonna have fun once everyone is asleep. the baby was on the couch and the other two were upstairs, we had a case of beer to drink. :) anyway, let me just say WOW! now already before he had said, okay im not going to lie, i want some, but its not like love or anything. just physical, and i said yeah most women have a hard time differentiating that, don't they? and he said, and you don't? and i said, no, not really? and he said, but what if its really good? and i laughed and said, oh yeah? what if I'M really good, shouldn't you worry about that? and he laughed.
My god he was incredible. (let me just say now that again, this is why i love this anonymous blog so much, i could never write like this anywhere else and feel safe. i never write about sex, for a reason.) our tongues and hands and lips were all over the place. he ate me out better, i think than i have ever been eaten out (sorry T) TWO TIMES! like he couldn't get enough of my pussy!! and then when he finally came in the middle of the night (he couldn't come at first because of all the beer) he was incredible, the way he sounded. he loved touching and rubbing all over me all night long...once he feel asleep with his hand in my pussy, for real! once he fell asleep just rubbing down the crack of my ass, and cupping the cheek....it was wow. i know he thought it was going to be awkward between us this morning, but it wasn't. in fact knowing me i think i ignored him a little more than i should. but he has his own life, and from what i understand, plenty of his own women to deal with.
but man...what a nice surprise, and i lovely way to spend the night! i can't help but hope we might have that opportunity again one day? but then again, that would already take some of the magic out of it, wouldn't it? plus maryanne, who i secretly think is a little jealous, was already making comments about how he is playing with my heart this morning and i was like, what are you talking about? he is doing no such thing? we're fine! and i will deny i slept with him until the cows come home...not like its her business anyway!!
so i guess i will get a few books here, head back over to maryanne's until that dinner tonight at 5, then back here at the library until the cold shelter opens tonight. REAL homelessness, here i am! pleased to meet you. :) i don't even have a stamp to mail my baby a letter.
by the way i know i haven't talked a lot about twan being gone yet...actually it is slowly gutting me into a million trillion pieces, but i am not sure what to do about it yet, especially since the only news i get from him is through his fucking "ex"girlfriend who has to comment all the time about all the things he says about still being in love with her.
whatever. if she only knew.
but obviously i am afraid to let my own pussy get cold!
oh slut that i am.....

I am here with Twan at this very second. he got a library card so i could check out books in his name. but just as we set down here to check his email, guess who calls?
why am i still here, doing this to myself. tonight will be the first night we have to sleep outside in the rain. i know he's about to shit himself at the thought of it, but as i told him, i think he might survive. jeez. he still didn't get that carberator fixed for his friend today, but they dropped it off somewhere to have someone look at it later.
i didn't go to the micah center this morning, so i didn't see D. or the old white guy. but at least i have old white guys number. i need to call, but of course i know if i do call and decide to move in, twan most certainly cannot come with me. i hate being jealous. its not even like i'm jealous really. its more like i am fucking sick of having to pretend i am invisible around her. last night i had to fucking wait outside the damn parking lot where my fucking sleeping bag was because her car was still there and he was still with her.
if he loves me, or even just being friends with me, why do i have to be fucking invisible?????
oh well. maybe he will be off the phone soon. as least i don't have to hear the corny conversation.

This is one of my favorite images in the whole universe. It's not like I really have a way to put pics up here or anything, but that's okay as I hate my own pictures anyway.

Although I have quite a few of Twan I could post :).
Speaking of the tall skinny black anomaly, he is currently with his "ex" 46 year old girlfriend, Judy, trying to get his SS check, but apparantly it didn't go into her account like it was supposed to. I told him today was a trial run for me. I mean we are supposed to be sticking it out with each other and staying together and such, but I really can't handle his feelings for her anymore. He is 36 years old. No, I am not jealous, no I am not psycho.

But don't ask for pussy everyday and tell me how much you love me and then talk to her incessantly. I am not falling back in love with him. In fact I have no idea what I am still doing with him. I have no business being with him, at ALL!!

My life is so insanely different from what it used to be! Where are my friends? Where are children? Where are my books, my own poetry that I was compelled to write addictively, no matter how much it sucked?

I called D today from the Micah center and of course he is crazy to see me tomorrow. On one hand I guess I should feel bad on account of Twan, but on the other hand is it that much different from the way he treats me? I spent 9 fucking hours waiting for his ass underneath the train station...it was insane. I do have places to go without him...places where I wouldn't have to be homeless. So why do I insist on sticking around? I know, i FEEL he is going to be back together with Judy, whether or not he does, and I do think he does.

Once again, my snobbish bitchy self can't believe that I fell in love with someone who really even isn't that bright at all...for real. seriously. That is why i love the fact that today i have created my own anonymous blog that no one but me will read and i can be as snobby and bitchy as i want to be on here and no one will know how in real life i am in a pretty pathetic state of mind. :)

I love to have sex but i am not a whore, at least not yet. i never know how much i loved to have sex in the first place until my marriage was over and i realized my ex husband was probably gay, and that although i was basically born white trash, i am more attracted to big black men then i am anyone else, although not a lot of them like to spend their hours reading books of poetry in the library.

my new homeless life is so fucking self indulgent and pathetic. for real. although i am one of those stupid when who, when a man says, baby can you go make me a sandwich? i jump in two seconds. :) not because i have to, but because i LIKE too....heh. oh well. enough for this first day. we'll see if i really continue this....

well, since i don't really have any paper...

I figure this is one of the best ways for me to keep writing, and never be able to lose it again. after all of my books were taken when i lost my apartment, it was a blow. only two colleges even have proof that i am a "writer," that i wrote two poetry theses! Anyway, today is Monday. Tomorrow everyone is voting. I actually got my voter's card mailed to me at the Micah center, but too be honest, I don't know if I will actually vote or not.