This is like...fucking 15 minutes later...as usual, even though i am in the same STATE as my parents, i am still the last to know about anything that happens...my mom has been in the same touwn as me since last night and i didn't even know about it. so i of course am the idiot who is going to call her...and as soon as she said something about it, i got all bitchy but of course my mom covers it up...i busted up all over again and just shoved the phone at my mother. i want to drink so bad i physically ache. i ache all over. i hurt. i wish i had some vodka or a penis or SOMEthing to take this away.
i am not that pissed at my mom at all, in fact i could care less. i am just really pissed off about.....nothing. i am sad. i want lamont. i can't believe it upset me that bad that he called.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
WOW!!!!
Oh shit shit shit. Here I sit, crying all over again and wishing I had a bottle of vodka.
Lamont just called. We talked for 7 minutes. for him, that's good, of course our phone minutes are free, but he hates the phone. Of course, I had JUST emailed him before, like two minutes. He read my other emails i guess, this morning.
He said he would call me in case I was trying to hold off in calling him, which of course I am. He said Zowie is getting really big...they are having her birthday party at the rec center on saturday so he is going to that. I was soooooo GOOOD! I didn't cry at all. At least not until I got off the phone, and then the tears came....wow. Shit. I can't do anything right now. I can't believe him.
Fuck him man...
or is it, I want to fuck him? :)
Lamont just called. We talked for 7 minutes. for him, that's good, of course our phone minutes are free, but he hates the phone. Of course, I had JUST emailed him before, like two minutes. He read my other emails i guess, this morning.
He said he would call me in case I was trying to hold off in calling him, which of course I am. He said Zowie is getting really big...they are having her birthday party at the rec center on saturday so he is going to that. I was soooooo GOOOD! I didn't cry at all. At least not until I got off the phone, and then the tears came....wow. Shit. I can't do anything right now. I can't believe him.
Fuck him man...
or is it, I want to fuck him? :)
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Dear Penpal....
--------------(notice I never talk about what a (former) slut I am and how I sugarcoat everything so nice and neat? :)
Good morning....(laughing)
I guess that's good that you have questions. But you seem to have actually gotten the gist of it. It always was a take it one day at a time deal. See we started out as being friends. I didn't mean to fall in love with him at all. It just happened. He never promised to marry me. I guess its just a shame that things dissolved simply because I couldn't support myself. I honestly don't know if he would ask to have me back or not with money. I think that maybe yes he would, and it would be very difficult for me to say no, but I think with time I will be able to know that I would have to tell him know. I don't ever want to be that vulnerable to anyone again, but as much as i loved him, especially to him. I made it too easy for him. There was no need for him to pursue me. I have a horrible fault of loving way too easily and deeply (don't worry I am going to be on permanent hiatus).
There is a reason I am a Christian and why I believe in the basic premises of my faith...I have just, as my father would say, been severely backslidden since my divorce years ago (another long convoluted story...short one is, i was drinking way too much by the time we got married, and my husband left me after a year, but basically realized it was because he was gay--I and my therapist did I mean, he never admitted, and later I met an outside source who confirmed as much). But I haven't seen him, literally for years. I didn't even want to see him to sign the papers, I met my mother-in-law at a bank actually with a notary, and that was that, nice and tidy. I didn't ask for anything but my freedom. But life got hard after that, and I got stubborn.
But back to the situation...the roommate, ah yes. I hate really talking about it because it gets on my least favorite topic. Okay basically he (Robin), I mean we got along pretty well, and actually he was a Christian too, which was cool. But he was sort of slightly afro-centric, and I think he thought I was cramping Lamont's style. :) I hope this doesn't offend you. See, while my immediate family has no issues with race, being from the South, everyone NOT in my immediate family tends to be pretty ignorant about race, and I still think it baffles my family that I am so attracted to black men, and black people in general. I learned about this is graduate school, and actually it is a form of racism called exoticism that I probably suffer from, I just try not to think about it. My father's father was intolerably racist his whole life and lived to be 97, and I think in partial rebellion to him, I just naturally turned to the thing he thought he hated so much.
At the same time I am very aware of my whiteness. I wouldn't say I was colorblind, more like color celebratory. :) But, even with Lamont this was never an issue. He had been raised in white foster homes most of his life and I think dated mostly white girls. So we sort of met in the middle (does that make sense?) Maybe none of this does, but what I am saying is I am hypersensitive about making people of other race, ANY race, but probably mostly black, feel comfortable, and it offends me, I think, when I can't stop someone from seeing my color, just like all the rednecks I grew up around could see past it.
I hope this doesn't make you think I am a total nut, but this has been a pretty exhausting part of learning who I am in life.
Anyway, yesterday was nice. My nephew is beautiful, and so is my neice but she is VERY jealous of new baby brother. Her mother tends to have a hard time controlling her as it is (my parents, while doting, definitely know how to make kids mind, and both my sister and I are pretty good with disciplining kids even though we have none ourselves). Seeing my parents was nice, if only for an hour or two. I bought 14 new books from Goodwill for next to nothing, so I am excited to have some books to read, good ones two...some robert frost poetry and two dickens, even. And we bought a watermelon from a man off the side of the road so now I feel truly back in the South. :)
Well, as usual, this got long...I guess I never actually told you, but I did study writing in school. I tend to get carried away...its never more fun than talking about yourself, eh?
As far as my future...this is not the time to ask about it anymore. I have no idea.
But what about you? What do you want be doing in ten years? Do you like your job now? What have you always dreamed of doing? What is your favorite thing to do on your day off? What are some of your favorite books?
Have a blessed day and night....
--- On Sun, 7/12/09,
Melissa,How long did you know this guy before you were living with him? What were your long range plans when you got together with him? Were you thinking that you might spend the rest of your days with him or was he just a passing phase? What was his intentions? I just hate to see people get used and then tossed aside like yesterday's news paper. What would happen if you went out tomorrow and got a job making lets say about 50 thousand dollars a year. Would he invite you back then or would he just say stay where you are we are finished?How did you get alone with his room mate? why did he want you to leave? I know that I am just full of questions but I am having a difficult time understanding your logic as to what happened.How are you doing today? How was your night last night? what are your future plans? Where will you be when you get where you are going? Just curious......
Good morning....(laughing)
I guess that's good that you have questions. But you seem to have actually gotten the gist of it. It always was a take it one day at a time deal. See we started out as being friends. I didn't mean to fall in love with him at all. It just happened. He never promised to marry me. I guess its just a shame that things dissolved simply because I couldn't support myself. I honestly don't know if he would ask to have me back or not with money. I think that maybe yes he would, and it would be very difficult for me to say no, but I think with time I will be able to know that I would have to tell him know. I don't ever want to be that vulnerable to anyone again, but as much as i loved him, especially to him. I made it too easy for him. There was no need for him to pursue me. I have a horrible fault of loving way too easily and deeply (don't worry I am going to be on permanent hiatus).
There is a reason I am a Christian and why I believe in the basic premises of my faith...I have just, as my father would say, been severely backslidden since my divorce years ago (another long convoluted story...short one is, i was drinking way too much by the time we got married, and my husband left me after a year, but basically realized it was because he was gay--I and my therapist did I mean, he never admitted, and later I met an outside source who confirmed as much). But I haven't seen him, literally for years. I didn't even want to see him to sign the papers, I met my mother-in-law at a bank actually with a notary, and that was that, nice and tidy. I didn't ask for anything but my freedom. But life got hard after that, and I got stubborn.
But back to the situation...the roommate, ah yes. I hate really talking about it because it gets on my least favorite topic. Okay basically he (Robin), I mean we got along pretty well, and actually he was a Christian too, which was cool. But he was sort of slightly afro-centric, and I think he thought I was cramping Lamont's style. :) I hope this doesn't offend you. See, while my immediate family has no issues with race, being from the South, everyone NOT in my immediate family tends to be pretty ignorant about race, and I still think it baffles my family that I am so attracted to black men, and black people in general. I learned about this is graduate school, and actually it is a form of racism called exoticism that I probably suffer from, I just try not to think about it. My father's father was intolerably racist his whole life and lived to be 97, and I think in partial rebellion to him, I just naturally turned to the thing he thought he hated so much.
At the same time I am very aware of my whiteness. I wouldn't say I was colorblind, more like color celebratory. :) But, even with Lamont this was never an issue. He had been raised in white foster homes most of his life and I think dated mostly white girls. So we sort of met in the middle (does that make sense?) Maybe none of this does, but what I am saying is I am hypersensitive about making people of other race, ANY race, but probably mostly black, feel comfortable, and it offends me, I think, when I can't stop someone from seeing my color, just like all the rednecks I grew up around could see past it.
I hope this doesn't make you think I am a total nut, but this has been a pretty exhausting part of learning who I am in life.
Anyway, yesterday was nice. My nephew is beautiful, and so is my neice but she is VERY jealous of new baby brother. Her mother tends to have a hard time controlling her as it is (my parents, while doting, definitely know how to make kids mind, and both my sister and I are pretty good with disciplining kids even though we have none ourselves). Seeing my parents was nice, if only for an hour or two. I bought 14 new books from Goodwill for next to nothing, so I am excited to have some books to read, good ones two...some robert frost poetry and two dickens, even. And we bought a watermelon from a man off the side of the road so now I feel truly back in the South. :)
Well, as usual, this got long...I guess I never actually told you, but I did study writing in school. I tend to get carried away...its never more fun than talking about yourself, eh?
As far as my future...this is not the time to ask about it anymore. I have no idea.
But what about you? What do you want be doing in ten years? Do you like your job now? What have you always dreamed of doing? What is your favorite thing to do on your day off? What are some of your favorite books?
Have a blessed day and night....
--- On Sun, 7/12/09,
Melissa,How long did you know this guy before you were living with him? What were your long range plans when you got together with him? Were you thinking that you might spend the rest of your days with him or was he just a passing phase? What was his intentions? I just hate to see people get used and then tossed aside like yesterday's news paper. What would happen if you went out tomorrow and got a job making lets say about 50 thousand dollars a year. Would he invite you back then or would he just say stay where you are we are finished?How did you get alone with his room mate? why did he want you to leave? I know that I am just full of questions but I am having a difficult time understanding your logic as to what happened.How are you doing today? How was your night last night? what are your future plans? Where will you be when you get where you are going? Just curious......
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Dear Ike.....
You never called me back! I am so surprised...I should start a payment plan for your time? :) Well, just to finish up what I was going to say before so we don't have to have that conversation again, basically the guy we (Lamont and I) were living with wasn't paying his half of the rent even though he was all over L about getting HIS half in. Basically it really started stressing him out (L), and he thought it was best if I weren't there. I guess that it was in his own best interests. But I mean, it's not like he hated me. I know he didn't cheat on me...we were doing fine, well, physically you know. He wouldn't actually come out and say he would rather me leave, I said it first. He said are you sure you want to do this now? And I was like, well I don't want to do it later!!
Anyway, after that, it was over. Within 20 minutes the conversation was over and I already had a ticket home and I didn't talk to him basically for a few days until it was time for me to leave....and, that's that. Lamont is someone I will always be friends with. I would like to think I will be able to see him the future, but that won't be for years, if ever. I can still call him ever so often just to say hello, but I haven't called because right now it isn't healthy.
And, he did teach me about what I deserve in a relationship. Even if it was short-lived, and things were tough, he made me happier than any other relationship I have ever had. That's for real. He never ever lied to me. He didn't cheat on me. He was very affectionate with me. He was romantic, not in a traditional way, but in a sweet way. We never fought, we laughed together, we just sort of fit together naturally. I guess he just didn't think it was worth fighting for.
So, Ike. That's that. I will try not to talk about him anymore to you. :)
Today I met my nephew for the first time. He's beautiful. But my neice is very jealous. :) I love her--she's only three. She got very jealous when her grandpa (my daddy) held her brother! Its a good thing I'm such a grown up now too, or I might have been jealous too (just kidding. :)) It was nice to see my folks, if only for an hour or two.
I bought some (VERY cheap) books at Goodwill, and spent the rest of the night by myself until my sister came home. Next week I will be here for five days by myself, so I am glad I love being alone so much! :)
Well, this got long...I'll have to paste it in my journal. I will try to call you another time, or MAYbe you might call me....
your white girl
melissa
---------------------------
I also watched facts of life on hulu today, heheheh.
Anyway, after that, it was over. Within 20 minutes the conversation was over and I already had a ticket home and I didn't talk to him basically for a few days until it was time for me to leave....and, that's that. Lamont is someone I will always be friends with. I would like to think I will be able to see him the future, but that won't be for years, if ever. I can still call him ever so often just to say hello, but I haven't called because right now it isn't healthy.
And, he did teach me about what I deserve in a relationship. Even if it was short-lived, and things were tough, he made me happier than any other relationship I have ever had. That's for real. He never ever lied to me. He didn't cheat on me. He was very affectionate with me. He was romantic, not in a traditional way, but in a sweet way. We never fought, we laughed together, we just sort of fit together naturally. I guess he just didn't think it was worth fighting for.
So, Ike. That's that. I will try not to talk about him anymore to you. :)
Today I met my nephew for the first time. He's beautiful. But my neice is very jealous. :) I love her--she's only three. She got very jealous when her grandpa (my daddy) held her brother! Its a good thing I'm such a grown up now too, or I might have been jealous too (just kidding. :)) It was nice to see my folks, if only for an hour or two.
I bought some (VERY cheap) books at Goodwill, and spent the rest of the night by myself until my sister came home. Next week I will be here for five days by myself, so I am glad I love being alone so much! :)
Well, this got long...I'll have to paste it in my journal. I will try to call you another time, or MAYbe you might call me....
your white girl
melissa
---------------------------
I also watched facts of life on hulu today, heheheh.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Oh and one more thing....
i guess i will always be an alcoholic, but i can't drink anymore, not really. i mean i told my sis every once in a while i will need SOMEthing...but i mean, in general i quit that cold turkey too.
woo woo
woo woo
We always speak too soon...
I always talk about how I want to write?
I don't want to do anything anymore.
Evolution my ass. I hate everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
--I am in TN!!!!
--LAMONT DUMPED ME!
--I AM NOT HAVING SEX WITH ANYONE
--I LIVE WITH MY SISTER
--DID I MENTION I AM IN TN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111
What have I become?
I guess i will be together enough in the next few days to really start writing...what else do i have to do, besides get a damn job?????
There are two cats here, and my sis' dog.
I mean....he just did it basically so he wouldn't have worry about providing for me. Robin, the guy he is living with isn't paying his rent either, and I just wasn't pulling my weight....he didn't even fucking cheat on me, for real.
but i have only called him twice since I have been here, that's good isn't it?
Have I ever told you how much I hate TN? It is so racist here. And lets just be honest okay? Cutting cold turkey from some hot ass black dick isn't exactly my idea of fun.
Since Tuesday I have been laying around on my ass feeling sorry for myself, you know? My sister has been awesome...pretty amazing. I have the internet. I have a place to sleep. I know. Stop yelling at me. i think i am going to be alright. Time heals all wounds, isn't that what they say? I sure hope so, God.
I don't want to do anything anymore.
Evolution my ass. I hate everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
--I am in TN!!!!
--LAMONT DUMPED ME!
--I AM NOT HAVING SEX WITH ANYONE
--I LIVE WITH MY SISTER
--DID I MENTION I AM IN TN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111
What have I become?
I guess i will be together enough in the next few days to really start writing...what else do i have to do, besides get a damn job?????
There are two cats here, and my sis' dog.
I mean....he just did it basically so he wouldn't have worry about providing for me. Robin, the guy he is living with isn't paying his rent either, and I just wasn't pulling my weight....he didn't even fucking cheat on me, for real.
but i have only called him twice since I have been here, that's good isn't it?
Have I ever told you how much I hate TN? It is so racist here. And lets just be honest okay? Cutting cold turkey from some hot ass black dick isn't exactly my idea of fun.
Since Tuesday I have been laying around on my ass feeling sorry for myself, you know? My sister has been awesome...pretty amazing. I have the internet. I have a place to sleep. I know. Stop yelling at me. i think i am going to be alright. Time heals all wounds, isn't that what they say? I sure hope so, God.
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