Dear Penpal....

--------------(notice I never talk about what a (former) slut I am and how I sugarcoat everything so nice and neat? :)

Good morning....(laughing)

I guess that's good that you have questions. But you seem to have actually gotten the gist of it. It always was a take it one day at a time deal. See we started out as being friends. I didn't mean to fall in love with him at all. It just happened. He never promised to marry me. I guess its just a shame that things dissolved simply because I couldn't support myself. I honestly don't know if he would ask to have me back or not with money. I think that maybe yes he would, and it would be very difficult for me to say no, but I think with time I will be able to know that I would have to tell him know. I don't ever want to be that vulnerable to anyone again, but as much as i loved him, especially to him. I made it too easy for him. There was no need for him to pursue me. I have a horrible fault of loving way too easily and deeply (don't worry I am going to be on permanent hiatus).

There is a reason I am a Christian and why I believe in the basic premises of my faith...I have just, as my father would say, been severely backslidden since my divorce years ago (another long convoluted story...short one is, i was drinking way too much by the time we got married, and my husband left me after a year, but basically realized it was because he was gay--I and my therapist did I mean, he never admitted, and later I met an outside source who confirmed as much). But I haven't seen him, literally for years. I didn't even want to see him to sign the papers, I met my mother-in-law at a bank actually with a notary, and that was that, nice and tidy. I didn't ask for anything but my freedom. But life got hard after that, and I got stubborn.

But back to the situation...the roommate, ah yes. I hate really talking about it because it gets on my least favorite topic. Okay basically he (Robin), I mean we got along pretty well, and actually he was a Christian too, which was cool. But he was sort of slightly afro-centric, and I think he thought I was cramping Lamont's style. :) I hope this doesn't offend you. See, while my immediate family has no issues with race, being from the South, everyone NOT in my immediate family tends to be pretty ignorant about race, and I still think it baffles my family that I am so attracted to black men, and black people in general. I learned about this is graduate school, and actually it is a form of racism called exoticism that I probably suffer from, I just try not to think about it. My father's father was intolerably racist his whole life and lived to be 97, and I think in partial rebellion to him, I just naturally turned to the thing he thought he hated so much.

At the same time I am very aware of my whiteness. I wouldn't say I was colorblind, more like color celebratory. :) But, even with Lamont this was never an issue. He had been raised in white foster homes most of his life and I think dated mostly white girls. So we sort of met in the middle (does that make sense?) Maybe none of this does, but what I am saying is I am hypersensitive about making people of other race, ANY race, but probably mostly black, feel comfortable, and it offends me, I think, when I can't stop someone from seeing my color, just like all the rednecks I grew up around could see past it.

I hope this doesn't make you think I am a total nut, but this has been a pretty exhausting part of learning who I am in life.

Anyway, yesterday was nice. My nephew is beautiful, and so is my neice but she is VERY jealous of new baby brother. Her mother tends to have a hard time controlling her as it is (my parents, while doting, definitely know how to make kids mind, and both my sister and I are pretty good with disciplining kids even though we have none ourselves). Seeing my parents was nice, if only for an hour or two. I bought 14 new books from Goodwill for next to nothing, so I am excited to have some books to read, good ones two...some robert frost poetry and two dickens, even. And we bought a watermelon from a man off the side of the road so now I feel truly back in the South. :)

Well, as usual, this got long...I guess I never actually told you, but I did study writing in school. I tend to get carried away...its never more fun than talking about yourself, eh?
As far as my future...this is not the time to ask about it anymore. I have no idea.

But what about you? What do you want be doing in ten years? Do you like your job now? What have you always dreamed of doing? What is your favorite thing to do on your day off? What are some of your favorite books?

Have a blessed day and night....





--- On Sun, 7/12/09,
Melissa,How long did you know this guy before you were living with him? What were your long range plans when you got together with him? Were you thinking that you might spend the rest of your days with him or was he just a passing phase? What was his intentions? I just hate to see people get used and then tossed aside like yesterday's news paper. What would happen if you went out tomorrow and got a job making lets say about 50 thousand dollars a year. Would he invite you back then or would he just say stay where you are we are finished?How did you get alone with his room mate? why did he want you to leave? I know that I am just full of questions but I am having a difficult time understanding your logic as to what happened.How are you doing today? How was your night last night? what are your future plans? Where will you be when you get where you are going? Just curious......